Keep On Trying

I'm supposed to be in the gym right now, but instead I've chosen to stay home and sulk... I've chosen to wallow in the frustration of my ruined plans rather than try picking up the pieces and making something useful out of it. I'm the type who gives up when things don't happen the way I want them to. Tsk, tsk tsk... Crazy perfectionist.

If things were perfect by now I would've already eaten breakfast, finished my quiet time, brought mom to GLC, and have been in the gym for an hour. After another hour of exercise, the plan was to go to the doctor, then fetch mom from GLC, then pick up something from Aunty Helen, then come home feeling happy and accomplished.

BUT NOW MY ARTFULLY CRAFTED PLANS ARE RUINED. IT WAS SO PERFECT BUT ALL BECAUSE I MISSED ONE, IT'S ALL DESTROYED.
And all because I was stupid enough to sleep so late, hence waking up late.
OF ALL THE REASONS.
At this point, scapegoating would feel so good. I want to blame my dad for having me do a lot of other things which kept me up until 12. Then I would also like to blame my sister for watching Grey's Anatomy and 30 Rock, because it hooked me in and I ended up watching with her until 1something in the morning.

Yet it's nobody's fault but mine. These things certainly were factors that helped me not accomplish what I was supposed to do, but still, it's not their fault. Throughout the evening, I had a choice. I could have (and should have) gone to bed right after helping my dad with the first thing, since the second was not very important. But I didn't, because I wanted to finish that once and for all (which didn't happen either.) After not choosing to sleep after it was late enough, I chose to watch with my sister. I knew I had en early morning but I wanted to watch it immediately. Instant gratification. (And look where it's gotten you, fool!)

I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT when my plans are ruined. It takes much effort and scheming to create a seamless plan, but only so little to ruin it. But I've long been asking for this punishment. For the past years I've been an abusive master to my body... Stretching time/life as late as possible, and trying to wake up as early as possible. The repercussions of this are already exhibiting through low blood pressure (getting dizzy a lot), not being able to wake up early, always sleepy, usually tired looking, etc.

Dear body, I'm sorry for being the most demanding master. You're just paying me back what I've invested for the past years. I love you. We will keep on trying.



And then what?



I WILL learn my lesson.
I'm supposed to have learned this from before, but being such a stubborn idiot, it takes time for important things like this to sink in. Besides, it's such a waste to stay home and even blog about this without changing the way I am.

The Resolution to End All Resolutions:
Sleep early, wake up early.
-------Sleep early... the goal is 10pm the latest. I don't think I can get there immediately, but slowly....
I SHALL try again tonight, tomorrow, and EVERY SINGLE DAY after that until it becomes a HABIT.


DISCIPLINE. That's the heart of it. Choose wisely what I need to do, in light of importance of taking care of my body. I am no superwoman and I, BARBY, must remember that.


Rant:
It's hard to shake off this frustrated, angry feeling. Every time I look at the clock, I remember what I could be doing now. But instead I am here, on the broken side of things.

(!!!)

Forbidden Fruit

Bakit masarap ang bawal? (Why is the forbidden pleasurable?)

That was one of the questions I encountered earlier today in Philo 1.

Forbidden things seem to hold a special power over us. When we are barred from going to certain places, doing certain activities, seeing certain people, or are generally withheld from exposing ourselves to a certain something, our curiosities are more aroused than anything else. These forbidden tend to occupy our minds and haunt us until we finally cross the line.

The story of Romeo and Juliet is one of the most famous romances of our time, probably thanks to the doomed, forbidden love the plot revolves around on. It isn't surprising how today, so many people consciously (and preferrably even?) go for those hidden/illegal relationships. If these couples know it's going to be harder (parents don't want, etc.) and nearly impossible unless they elope (haha) why push so hard? Why work so hard at keeping something alive, going against the odds, and fighting the multitude of problems hurled by the situation? Or another example: Back in high school, there were always restrictions on uniforms, clothing, hair, and appearance. But despite these clearly explained rules, students still lengthened their skirts, wore "inappropriate clothing" during school fairs, painted their nails bright colors, dyed their hair blonde, and cut their hair boyishly short. And there was no feeling of shame or guilt in doing so. On the other hand, these rebels even flaunted their defiance.

Someone in class shared that maybe these people keep at it because of the thrill. The adrenaline. After all, isn't there something so wicked and exciting about being a rebel? (Like the way some girls want "bad boys"?) Someone else shared that another reason why people enjoy the forbidden is because it's an action that speaks defiance. When we openly do that very thing we're not supposed to do, it's challenging the authority. It's looking that teacher/parent in the eye with a smug, haughty, expression. (Then getting grounded afterwards. Haha!) Perhaps the lure lies in the opportunity of breaking or going over the power of that authority, even for just a little while. Rebelling makes us feel powerful. Maybe disobeying the rules makes us feel like we stand out. It gives us pride that we're not like "the rest of those cattle-like followers." It brands us as a league of our own.

Another way of phrasing the question would be...

"What's so tempting about temptation?" It sounds silly, but it still makes sense.

Temptation, which probably has Biblical origins, would imply the existence of "sin" (which in the Biblical context are things we should not do because they separate us from God). What's so alluring about sin (although there are people out there who aren't allured to certain sinful acts?). Why do we have such things as sinful or guilty pleasures?


Other questions to ponder:
Why does rebellion have a special thrill? Is it built into everyone, or only the naughtier, "badder" ones of the population?
What is it with us and authority? Do we want to be the authority? Why do we want to be the most powerful? Is that natural for everyone?